There once was a day

There once was a day when she felt a shift.

When she exhaled the grip in her soft belly and thought:
Enough is enough.
An end to the judgment, the constant berating.
The quiet voice inside that shouts:
You’re doing it wrong.
Do it that way. Be more like this. Don’t do that.
Can’t you be more like her?

There once was a day when she hugged her children tight.
Laughed in tandem at her dislike of craft projects.
Her cringe at their desire to ‘help’ bake. Flour strewn on the floor.
When they chuckled at her frowns over forts –
Her frustration over messy rooms.
Socks everywhere,
One always missing.
The laundry exploding from the basket.
Slime that never comes off the carpet –
Delightfully mashed in by careless little feet.

There once was a day when she joined them in not giving a sh*t.
When she saw the chaos as happy times.
The mess as part of love. Not her failure.
It was a day she breathed in the carnage,
Without getting cross at herself for getting so cross.
When she gave herself credit – not condemnation,
For her love of keeping a tidy house.

There once was a day when the mirror didn’t warrant an analysis.
When she drew a smiley face in the steam.
And didn’t care a damn.
When the scales grew dust with no regard for which way they tipped.
A day when she was happy in her strong skin –
Working out because it felt good to move to the tunes.
Not because her body needed morphing –
Or squeezing into some unrealistic ideal.

There once was a day when she poured a glass of wine.
Sipped it slowly and enjoyed every drop.
Even though it was Monday and she’d broken her resolve, again.
It was that day she ignored the algorithms social media barreled at her.
A reminder of who she thought she should be.
A less shouty mum, a more ‘empathetic’ woman.
Slimmer. Clearer skin, wrinkles ironed away.
Less booze, clean eating, veggie loving.
Early to bed, early to rise, meditating at dawn.
Click here, buy this, download the app.
Become that better version of herself.

There once was a day when she embraced all that she was.
When she gave up trying to figure out life’s mystery.
A day when she sat with herself and felt at peace.
When she remembered the triumphs she so often glossed over.
Those quiet thankless moments.
The ones she had forgotten.
Discarded in the wake of all she thought she was doing wrong.

It was a day when she let go of the cycle of guilt and felt so delightfully free.
When she relaxed into her own human-ness –
And let it all be.
It was a day she made a new friend and realized that person was herself.
In all her every day, wonderful, routine glory.

She vowed that tomorrow could also be that day.
And maybe even the day after that.
A little reminder of just how damn great she was doing.
Without an instruction manual or learners’ permit.
Navigating this crazy old thing we all call our life.

Each time you judge yourself you break your own heart…                     Let go and breathe – into the goodness that you are.

Swami Kripalvananda