Topsy turvy

topsyTurvyI am thinking of banning the “T” word. If I had a pound for every time I told someone that I was TIRED then I’d be quite a rich woman. (I’d be a ridiculously rich one if that pound also counted for every time I uttered the “T” word in my head.) 

“Oh, yes, you will always be tired,” one of my students quite gleefully told me. “Welcome to parenthood. You will just get more tired from here on in,” the mother of four explained.

Geez. I thought that when you achieved the highly coveted Holy Grail of Sleeping Through The Night (or STTN as it’s dubbed on those parenting websites I swore I wouldn’t google), that you just wouldn’t be that tired anymore. I thought that I would bounce out of bed after sleeping like a log for 8 hours, without any dark circles or newly instated crow’s feet…and that I would glide onto my yoga mat and spring into hanumanasana with the prowess of a cheerleader. (That’s the splits in yoga speak.)

Hmmm. Not so much…

The reality is often a 5.15am wake up call to the tune of baaa, baaa, baaaa, waa, waa, waaaah…eh…eh…eh and various other forms of very cute but incoherent baby babble.

If I step in the yoga confessional box this week I’ll confess to judging my practice in a big way. While the rational mind tells me it is quite normal for my shoulders to be tight from carrying my 10kg+ bouncing bundle, my ego reminds me that my forearm balance just isn’t what it used to be. “Nearly 8 months in and your belly is still like jelly,” it cries, “and don’t get me started on those thighs…”

At the end of last month I also made a little tough decision. I dropped one of my yoga classes and a few of my private clients to make space for some ‘me’ time on my own mat. In the swirl of life as a new mum and in the flurry of getting back to teaching, I realised that my own practice had started to take even more of a back seat. My mat has always been my source of inspiration, and if I wasn’t on my mat, then I knew my own teaching would take the hit.

So slowly, slowly I’m rebuilding things. Part of this is the acceptance that life just ain’t what it used to be…and that, hell, that’s ok! It’s about finding the peace to let go of that inner judgement and to embrace where I am at, right here, right now – that’s the hardest yoga challenge to date. It is also about understanding that there are far more important things now than finding my deepest back bend or freebalancing in handstand.

As I finish writing this blog, the monitor comes to life to tell me Molly has woken from her nap after about 45 minutes. Now if I had my many manuals to hand they’d tell me that should have been at least an hour and a half! I came across this quote that made me smile, and while life may be a little topsy turvy, tiring and downright overwhelming at times, it has also become special in a way that I never thought possible…

“Instead of resisting changes, surrender. Let life be with you, not against you. If you think “My life will be upside down” don’t worry. How do you know the down is not better than the upside?”

~ Shams Tabrizi

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