When it comes to the crazy world of motherhood can you recall all the rules that you thought you should stick to that have since fallen by the wayside? Well, one toddler later and another bambino due in June, here’s an (honest) list of my top 10 commandments that didn’t exactly turn out to plan…
1. One will meditate everyday in order to maintain calm, motherly composure at all times.
Meditation involves eating bag of Maltesers and rolling each one slowly around one’s mouth until the chocolate melts (while trying to hide packet from toddler.)
2. One’s body will return to pre-pregnancy weight quickly and effortlessly after first baby with an additional loss of a few more kilos.
Kilos never lost from first pregnancy and therefore carried into second pregnancy with the addition of a few more kilos.
3. One will practice up to an hour of yoga daily in order to maintain semblance of inner peace.
Sporadic yoga practice and restful child’s pose interrupted after just two minutes by toddler bouncing on one’s back.
4. One will not expose one’s children to electronic devices such as iPads and will engage in stimulating educational play instead.
Toddler aware of how to swipe iPad open and navigate to chosen episode of Peppa Pig.
5. One will have leisurely nap in afternoon in order to replenish energy levels during second pregnancy, just like one did during the first.
Episode of Ben and Holly’s Little Kingdom is used as bribe on iPad again in order to allow oneself at least ten minutes downtime on the sofa.
6. Sugar will not form part of offspring’s diet – instead only fresh, wholesome organic, home cooked produce will be consumed.
Ice-cream is used as regular bribe to avoid toddler meltdown and fish fingers and oven chips count for one of five portions of fruit and veg a day.
7. One will consult one’s parenting books to determine appropriate routines and methods of raising children.
Books gathering dust as one quickly realises one’s own child does not live up to standards of babies mentioned in texts .eg. who sleep soundly from 7pm-7am.
8. One will maintain a stylish wardrobe that gives air of effortless, relaxed, glowing mother.
One wonders is 5pm too early to change into husband’s very comfy, baggy pyjama bottoms and oversized t-shirt.
9. One will keep up to date with one’s domestic duties, which should include cooking healthy treats for children and husband and maintaining an orderly household.
Household resembles minature bomb site and healthy treats replaced with Indian takeaway on regular basis.
10. One must hold on to sense of sex kitten allure that one once maintained during early courtship with one’s husband, back in the days before children.
(Refer to earlier point about wearing husband’s pyjamas. Enough said.)